The 14 Rules of Contact

Please e-mail me if any of the following apply:
  1. You saw my picture and think I’m just pretty much a great big ol’ hunk o’ hot steamy lustworthiness and you wish to engage in a variety of unusual (and in many U.S. states and some other nations utterly illegal) activities with me the better to demonstrate your passionate devotion.
  2. You saw my picture and think I’m pretty darned cute AND have a pond, but the whole steamy-lust-passionate-devotion thing is really still very much an open question .
  3. You have no particular opinion on the subject of my studliness, but wish to discuss the finer points and general joys of ponding.
  4. You thoroughly enjoyed my written materials, and wish to tell me how brilliant I am (or, conversely, how you thoughtfully disagree).
  5. You think this site is, though silly, pretty darned entertaining in a strange, nameless, and slightly frightening sort of way, and you are moved to write for reasons totally beyond logical comprehension.
  6. You find one or more of the array of topics on this site of interest, and wish to chat about it.
  7. You’re an interesting and amusing person.

Please DO NOT e-mail me if:
  1. You saw my picture and think I look particularly hideous. I don't remember asking.
  2. You wish to heap me with venomous, ad hominem abuse or spew the incoherent, sociopathic ravings you characterize as "good conservative thinking" all over my e-mail box, requiring me to scrub the darned thing for days just to get the rhetorical stains out, not to mention the lingering stench of fallacious unreasoning bile. I am uninterested in vicious, condemnatory opinions regarding my interests, lifestyle, social life, hobbies or politics, and will not hesitate to forward your e-mail address to purveyors of numerous one-time-only-financial-opportunities and international child pornography rings currently being discreetly observed by the FBI.
  3. You wish to inform me that my pond is unattractive and a waste of time.
  4. You have an unnatural and immoral carnal fondness for frogs and wish to share with me the lurid and repulsive details of your sick, sordid, amphibious fantasies.
  5. You have something unpleasant, negative or uncomplimentary to say. I’m very sensitive and my feelings are easily wounded.
  6. You wish to politically enlighten me with your humorless rightgoodthink opinion that personal websites are a waste of society's time and an unconscionably poor use of limited, decadently expensive technologies that should be applied toward solving the world’s serious economic disparities, homelessness, global warming, hunger, environmental catastrophes and the printing of unpleasant-looking little magazines made with recycled paper and soy ink all about holistic medicine that doesn't work, noninvasive tantric sex that doesn't feel good, and recipes for nasty vegan dishes that no one wants to eat.
  7. You just don’t think I’m very funny. Well, just go to hell then.